So here I am again, trying to make another “grand and glorious” comeback on my page. The truth is, “grand and glorious” is nowhere close. I’m happy to just be writing at the moment.
The truth is, I really need to talk about why, sometimes, I will disappear for sometimes months at a time, when I had no plans to do so. Then I pop back in with a “hey, I’m back, and feeling good” post, then I do it again. Particularly when I used to be so regular about writing. So what happened?
The easy answer is, 2020 happened. Then 2021, and now 2022 (which really has been a 2020 too!). Yes, the last few years have been hell, and my perspective, I don’t expect things to get better on many fronts for a long time. But this is only the now, and I need to talk about what internally, has been going on with me
You see, The Warrior’s Den is a place of healing, and in particular, my place of healing. I share what I discover through my experiences, and if it helps someone else, namely you, then I am grateful. This is my way of reaching out and connecting with the world.
But my real pain, the real reason I will go into hiding started many years ago, before I can even remember (and I have a very long memory). There’s a stage that I will reach emotionally that is indescribable. I used to tell my best friend that it’s the stage beyond burnout. It’s beyond physical pain, it’s beyond emotional pain and beyond numbness. It’s the state where all you can do is just what is in front of you, whatever comes next.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have the two best jobs where I live, and I am incredibly grateful for them. I have property where my husband I can live our dreams, play music, grow our garden and keep our pets.We have many amazing blessings that I am very grateful for. And we’ve worked hard for all of them.
We’ve also made mistakes along the way, and some extraordinarily bad decisions that have had immense and damaging repercussions. That’s life, and we accept those as well, and try to be grateful for the lessons that we learn. But we both grew up in highly dysfunctional homes as children, and as such, sometimes our coping mechanisms are not the healthiest means of dealing with everything that happens in life, and we punish ourselves for what we consider failures far too often.
My good news is that I have been able to move forward and progress. I have (obviously) been able to pull myself out of my depression and learn how to initiate a project and create the momentum I need to move forward. My difficulty is that it usually takes me about three weeks to start the momentum. And since life is constantly evolving and changing, I find myself caught in a neverending cycle of trying to find a starting point while everything around me is still spinning.
So, today, I am finding that starting point. Today I am sitting down and writing again. And while once, a post like this might only have taken me 15 minutes to pound out, and today it has taken me several hours, today I can be grateful for my starting point. Today I can restart my momentum.
Blessed Be Warriors. We’ll be back soon.