Hello, Warriors. Today I need to talk about something truly important: The ideas that we carry about ourselves. You see, when we are babies, and little kids, the world really is about us; we need our diapers changed, when we cry, someone comes to take of us, we need to depend on those around us for everything. But as we get older, do our expectations change with reality? If we are honest with ourselves, not really.
See, growing up we were given conflicting signals: Take accountability for your actions, Don’t talk about what happened, Accept blame for what was not actually your fault. So we have a variety of behaviors we might learn in order to cope with these circumstances. In my case I have a nasty mix of blaming, dodging, deflecting, avoiding or changing the subject, and various forms of telling partial truths to outright lies to avoid whatever is in my face, and I have caused untold amounts of damage doing this. And what it worse, in many cases, I actually create the circumstances that would ensure that I have the opportunity to lie. Sick behavior, right? Now let’s make it worse… I learned this particular behavior from my mother, and that it’s ok to act this way.
This is a behavior that runs so deep, that when I really think about it, goes all the way back to when I was a kid. Now, as a kid, I didn’t understand what I was doing. But you would think that as an adult, I would have gotten it years ago. Nope, ‘fraid not. I’m in my ’50s now, and barely starting to deal with it. That comes from the “don’t talk about what happens”, and “don’t deal with things” crap I was also taught.
Now, as much as I would like to consider myself a victim, I can’t. I have been, but in this respect, not anymore. So instead, I’m going to start doing what I should have done years ago. Start talking. So here goes:
I’m not an easy person to get along with (three husbands will tell you that). I have a wicked temper, and I have gotten violent before. I have talked shit about my spouses before, shading myself as a victim, but not necessarily discussing in full my actions in the situation. I have blamed others for my actions, or lack thereof. There are a great many things I have done. Now, it’s time to start taking accountability.
Why am I doing this? Because someone has to. You see, one of the other things I was told growing up: Be the example. If we want this world to be better, people need to start taking accountability for our actions, the good and the bad. Mostly the bad. So I am stepping forward. It’s not a big step, it’s not perfection. But it’s a start.
Blessed Be
The Warriors Den 