One of my lifelong problems has been that I do not usually express my emotions. I’m the type that can sit in a comedy show with a stone-cold expression on my face. Over the course of my life, in my experience, anything else is painful. And yet, it is through my emotions that my passion for creativity lives. I can’t have one without the other.
Music has always been my key to unlocking the door to my feelings. And since I’ve started playing music again, old emotions have been getting stirred up and resurfacing. I’ve never liked this process, and this time is no exception. I have a great amount of pain from my past, and I don’t like dealing with it. The difference this time, however, is that my life situation is different. I have a home that I am able to feel safe in, and a loving, supporting family. This time, I’m starting to feel like I can heal from my wounds.
Sometimes a song will come on, and it will bring up painful memories of a situation, sometimes it’s because I miss what was good in a situation. Either way, when the memories come up, I now can give myself permission to sit with the emotion, to recognize that the life situation is different now. I give myself permission to let go of the pain, and I know that the memory will, at some point, work itself into a point of creativity.
Through this process, I am learning to feel and express again. I’m learning to dance again, I’m learning to smile and laugh again.
I know that this road will be long, I know that I have a lot do deal with. I know that part of my healing is learning that I have control of the music now. It’s time to let my song play.